Approved Methods Of Torture
The furor over the memos describing methods of torture used by our intelligence services hit a fever pitch in the last several weeks, and I couldn’t help but be surprised by it all. While my friends and family know me as a political person I made a promise to myself that this blog would not be a platform for my views. So I can’t comment directly on my opinion on this matter, except that I’m pretty sure “pretty please” won’t work with a terrorist.
Anyway, I figure there has to be a compromise somewhere in this mess. And I think I’ve come up with a game plan that can work. In fact, I’m sure those scumbags will be begging to tell us everything in no time.
First - Soften Them Up
The plan to soften them up involves my five-year old. His unique talent is his ability to repeat the same question over and over again. And again. And again. And you think he will stop. He doesn’t until you cave. He’s tough as nails with this.
Example:
Five Year Old: Can you get my box down out of the closet?
Me: Yes. Give me five minutes and I’ll come down.
Five Year Old: Dad?
Me: Yes?
Five Year Old: Can you get my box down out of the closet?
Me: Yes. Give me five minutes and I’ll come down.
Five Year Old: Dad?
Me: Yes?
Five Year Old: Can you get my box down out of the closet?
Me: Don’t ask me again.
Five Year Old: Can you get my box down out of the closet?
Me: I said don’t ask me again.
Five Year Old: Can you get my box down out of the closet?
Me: YES JUST WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!
Five Year Old: Can you get my box down out of the closet?
At this point I feel like running out of the room screaming. And I do.
Second - Embarrass them with their terrorist buddies.
My eight-year-old has a knack for repeating many of our home conversations in public. Since I usually speak sarcastically he doesn’t always “get it” and notifies some people about my thoughts and opinions because he got a chuckle out of it and thinks they will think its funny too. No, I don’t get invited to many parties anymore in case you were wondering.
Example:
Me: Wow, that kid in your class has a huge head. Does he have to wear a helmet so he doesn’t hurt himself banging it on doorways?
Eight Year Old: (laughing) No. (laughs some more)
Me: Poor kid. I bet he has to step into his shirts.
Eight Year Old: (laughing) No. (laughs some more)
Two days later…
Eight Year Old: My teacher would like to talk to you.
Me: Why?
Eight Year Old: Oh, I told everyone what you said about that kids big head.
Basically I am ready to throw myself at the mercy of the school as I’m sure they will think I’m a jerk. For good reason. I know I’ll have to give up some volunteer hours to make everyone happy or face their wrath.
Third - Sleep Torture
My one-year-old has mastered sleep torture in a very unique way. We spent a great deal of time and energy training her to play in her crib when she wakes up in the morning or after her nap. We have a monitor on to keep tabs of her while she plays. This monitor is next to our heads. While we are sleeping.
Unfortunately she likes to play with her Elmo Music Box. Right now it has “Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood” in it. She pushes a button to play the song. She usually pushes the button about 38 times. In a row. While I am trying to sleep. I am not sure if you appreciate the agony of hearing Elmo shriek the words to “Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood” 38 times in a row. It has literally driven me to the brink of mental collapse. I hate Elmo. I am thinking about accidentally dropping that music box in the driveway. As I’m backing out.
So now we have a three-tiered system of attack where my kids can effectively force any hardened terrorist into providing whatever information is necessary. If the terrorist can withstand the indefinite repeated questions from my five-year-old he must still contend with my eight-year-old who will be more than happy to tell his terrorist buddies that he saw him sneaking a snack when he was supposed to be fasting. Oh the humilation. And lastly, if none of that works, we will bring on my one-year-old and her Elmo music box, which will be sure to destroy any remaining resistance he has.
If you can recommend any other alternative methods, lets make a list.
Update: Please change any use of the word “terrorist” above to “man-caused disasterist.” Thank you.
Glad to have you back. I am in serious danger of living through the agony of step 2 with you. I have to start rehabbing myself right away.
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Ahh… someone who truly understands the exquisite sort of agony that is repeated question-asking from a 5-year-old.
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I have a special needs child who does this high pitched scream when he wants something. It is relentless and sometimes I feel like jumping out the window on long road trips. I think if I taped a fruit snack on the top of a terrorist’s head and sicked my son on him… well, I think he would break
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