My Daducation

Posts Tagged ‘pirates’

As I drove home from school with my five-year-old last week, we listened on the radio as they broke the story of the Somali pirates who had attempted the seizure of an American cargo ship, and instead wound up holding the ship’s captain hostage. For anyone who has read my blog in the past you already know my five-year-old is the youngest pirate in the world. Please take a moment to get acquainted.

Back? OK, we can continue.

So we are driving along and the story breaks across the radio. My five-year-old’s ears immediately perk up.

“Is he talking about pirates?!” he asks excitedly.

“Yep,” I respond.

He listens to the story. He doesn’t understand everything that has happened, but he does understand that they captured the captain.

“Did the pirates kill the captain?” he asks, breathlessly.

“No, they are holding him for ransom I think,” I say.

I look in the rearview mirror. A huge smile is on his face.

“What do you think they will do to the captain?”  I ask him.

“He’ll walk the plank and get eaten by sharks,” he says. This idea makes his smile even bigger.

I am growing a little uneasy.

“You know, buddy, ” I tell him, “the Navy is going to stop them. They might kill the pirates.”

“No, the pirates will get away,” he says wishfully.

We drive a little further. I am thinking about my little pirate. Will he grow out of this? Will he understand that pirates are thugs? Will he ever realize that chicks don’t date pirates?

He seems adamant about not brushing his teeth. After all , he tells us, pirates have green teeth.

He seems to only want to get in the bathtub to play with his pirate boats. No, he tells us, don’t wash me - pirates are dirty.

It gets worse as we have dinner that night and I ask him what he wants to do when he gets big like me.

“Be a pirate,” he says without flinching. In fact he is eating, and doesn’t even look up when he responds.

‘What did you expect him to say?” my wife asks. “By the way, the doctor called to confirm his appointment to implant his peg leg. I suppose that was your idea, wiseguy.”

“No, it wasn’t me,” I reply.

His phone privileges are officially revoked.

So what’s my next step? I believe I can take my chances that he will one day meet a nice girl and she will talk him into being a wall street trader or a politician. But then again are they any better???

Of course, I may be over-reacting. After all, they say the Somali pirates made over $100 million last year. I know I didn’t make that kind of money. Maybe he’s on to something.

It’s not often one comes home to discover a pirate is now bunking with your 8-year-old son. I know this because I came home from work the other night and was immediately stabbed in the gut with a cutlass. He bolted upstairs before I could retaliate.

Our Pirate

Now I don’t know who this guy thinks he is, but NO ONE stabs me in my own house. Even if he is a 5-year-old pirate. Using a plastic knife.

“Tell the pirate that the stabbings need to stop,” my wife instructs me.

“I’m already one step ahead of you, ” I say.

“Oh, sure you are, ” she says skeptically. “Should I get you a helmet?”

I ignore her. But I do get my helmet. You can’t take chances around a pirate with a mean streak like the Soup Nazi.

I find the 5-year-old in his room trying to bark orders at his 8-year-old brother, who surprisingly seems very disinterested until I enter the room. He perks up as he thinks he is going to witness the opening of a can of whup-ass.

I order the pirate to cease his yelling. He calls my bluff. I disarm him with a quick move. It’s called “Grab the Plastic Knife With Your Hand Really Fast.” Mr. Miyagi would be proud.

He is surprised at all of this. “But pirates are mean,” he says.

“Yes, I know,” I explain, “but you can’t just walk around stabbing people. Some people won’t like that kind of game.”

“But I’m a pirate!” he says, “So I have to stab them.” His logic is strong.

“Would you like it if I stabbed you?” I ask. I’m sure I can bring him around with my fatherly reasoning.

“But you’re NOT A PIRATE!” he states. Pretty adamantly I have to admit. My fatherly reasoning appears pretty weak in the face of that argument.

I disarm the pirate for a few days. He seems to get the message.

Of course, I am responsible for the creation of this little character. While visiting Ocean City, MD we took a ride on a pirate ship into the bay to find treasure and fight off nasty pirates who wanted to board our ship. This includes using water cannons that can be aimed and fired at the pirate boats circling our ship. Much fun was had firing the cannons, screaming at pirates, and generally soaking the other passengers. Then my wife told me to let the kids have a chance at it.

Blasting The Pirates With Water Cannons

Eventually we fight off the pirates and haul in the treasure chest from off the sea floor. The kids crowd around as it is opened and the treasure is revealed.

Opening The Treasure Chest!

This adventure has a profound effect on our 4-year-old (who was 3 at the time.) He becomes infatuated with the pirate life. Yes, life on the open seas, pillaging and plundering is the life for him.

It becomes an obession. He insists on wearing pirate hats, eye patches, and torn pants and shirts around the house and outside in the yard. He has a treasure chest where he keeps loot. Actually, he has more in that than I do in my IRA. Maybe I should look into this pirate thing….

So now, at the age of 5 he still puts on his pirate outfit each day and takes on the persona of Captain Hookins, the pirate. Will it ever end, I have no idea.

But hopefully he won’t have to live like Steve in the video below: